Thu 12/28/2006 3:59 PM

fading friendships

Lately I have been feeling like such a stalker. No matter who I try to reach out to, to spend time with and foster a friendship with, the response has been lukewarm at best. One friend has been blogging away, but hasn't responded to my e-mails nor said a single word directly to me in six months. Another always seems to have something better to do when I've tried to make plans with her. Even on a forum where I'm a longtime member of a pretty close-knit community, my attempts to start up discussions lately have fallen on deaf ears.

I had those stalker-type friends in school... the ones you have almost nothing in common with and really wish would just leave you alone, but who seem to idolize you and want nothing more than to spend every waking minute with you.

Am I that person?

Now, I know some people who wouldn't see a problem with any of this, who would be perfectly happy never to interact with another human being again. But that's not me. I crave social interaction; and most of all I long to have friendships outside of those I have through my significant other, you know, the ones who only hang out with you as an attachment to your partner, never with you as an individual. And now it seems what little I had of that is fading away.

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2 comments/trackbacks

comment: from Dana

No sister you are NOT one of those people!! It seems like the older you get the harder it is to make/keep friendships. Everyone gets busy with life and commitments. A friendship is like any other relationship and takes work to make it last. It is easy to get caught up in your own commitments (work, significant other, etc) and neglect your friendships. I only have a couple of very close friends that I see occasionally...it goes in spurts (except for summer...Saturday garage saling is a MUST!!).

As for those that you make the effort to contact and they ignore you, well, they aren't a very good friend and you shouldn't waste your time. One thing to think about in this age of technology where we can email/delete in a moment...sometimes you have to take the time & make a phone call. I forget sometimes that just because my computer/email is an appendage to me most of the time that it isn't always the case for others. Also, when I am swamped with emails and I get one from someone that I have every intention of answering but I know it is going to take a while and be lengthy, I will plan to come back to it later. Then more emails come in and it moves down in my inbox and the next thing you know it is 2 weeks later before I realize I never answered it. So call your friend that is blowing off your emails...if it still feels like she is blowing you off in a phone call then there's nothing you can do. It takes two people to have a friendship.

It's funny, I have the exact opposite problem. I want more couple friends to do things with me & Stan. My girl friends that I have things personally in common with, don't necessarily have couple things in common. I like them & their spouses but put the four of us together and it doesn't work. So we are trying to figure out couples to do things with as a group. Stan is easy going so he's open to alot of different couples...I'M the problem...I hardly like anyone!! lol

I wish you weren't so far away!!! I miss you and would always hang out with you. =P

Thu 12/28/2006 4:24 PM

comment: from Daniel

Okay, I used to think that friends never needed to qualify themselves with words of solidarity before saying something that might be a little painful at first but here I go anyway. Miss Carly, you've been my friend for just over 11 years and I love you. Hear that? I love you. In all that time you've seen me at my best and worst and have had occasional glimpses into the most intimate parts of my life. And because I love you so much, some day when I figure out how to get Chris' body in my trunk, I will gladly have your babies. ;)

Next let me say that when you replied to my last journal entry, I had tears in my eyes, happy tears. Honest. Hopefully by the time I finish saying whatever comes next you will understand why. Note that the rest of what I say has no basis in fact, only in feelings. There is no real way for me to know the facts unless they are told to me so I can only express my feelings, be they right or wrong. Still, know that I love you very much and would gladly jump in front of a steaming elephant for you.

There are times in the past where, yes, I myself have intentionally pulled away from you. I even blocked you on AIM for months a few years back. The reason was for something you even admitted to me later.

At the times I pulled away, I was hurting, hurting bad and the only person I had to talk to was you, but no matter what I said all I got back was silence. Jokes were fine, but if I asked anything that might require emotion or you offering support, I could wait forever and never hear a word. Believe me, I understand why too, I really do. I know what its like when people expect me to know all the answers and I don't have them. You were feeling the same way. When I don't have the answers all I can do is tell them I love them and support them. I waited but I never got that from you. Not until yesterday when you made my whole decade by responding to my "cry for help" :)

Before that though, even though empirically I knew that you loved me and cared, the silence was telling me that you hated me or just considered me to be some freak weirdo who's only goal was to see you naked or something. The silence told me I was a nuisance so I pulled away. I know you don't hate me that way, but the silence was louder. Silence hurts. Again, I know why you silent but I know I still hurt.

I truly don't know how you interact with others so there is no way I can say for sure but maybe others feel the same way too. Maybe they're pulling away because they feel invalidated. I can't speak for them, though, I can only guess.

Yesterday's journal response to me may have been a fluke, I don't know. Maybe it is just the once in a life event where something I said actually struck a chord. I don't know that either.

On the other hand, maybe it is what I have been hoping for, for you, that it was the next step in the evolution of your life where you now have the confidence to say what you are feeling even though there is some risk that it will hurt some you love. Love and friendship means taking those risks. Doing that very thing recently changed my life for the better so maybe it's now happening to you :)

You're not a stalker. You're a wonderful and bright person. You're also just looking for the same bonding that I was looking for. Maybe now you will find it. :)

And if you ever want to socialize with a long time online friend, my front door is always open to you. I would be proud to introduce you as my friend and take you around to see all the things Arizona has to offer a transplanted Yankee Rhode Islander. We have cacti, Grand Canyon and me :)

And in case you missed it, you're my friend and I love you.

Thu 12/28/2006 11:01 PM

fading friendships

2 comments/trackbacks

comment: from Dana

comment: from Daniel

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